She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
