I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
