Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
