well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
