he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
