i wish my penis had a tongue
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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