Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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