So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
