Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
