evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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