OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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