dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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