I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
