I'm pants shitting drunk right now
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
