Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The air taste purple.
Randomize
