i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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