fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
