Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
