The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
