Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
