a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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