Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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