Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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