i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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