She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
