Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
This house was built for laser tag.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
