I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
