My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
