there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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