all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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