Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Randomize
