Cold hands, warm shart.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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