His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm like, not good at living.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
