i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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