I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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