Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
