I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
