I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
