i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
