you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
