it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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