I will die if light touches me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he fucked my hip out of place.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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