I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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