I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
