You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
So many bounce houses so little time
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
