You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't deserve a penis
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
