nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
