If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
