we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
