My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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